Thoughts
by Rival lover
Summary: Spoilers for Season 2 and Season 3. Rick gives his thoughts to Shane about all that happens and wll that has happened. Oneshot. Non-Yaoi (Not BoyxBoy).


_**This is Rick talking to Shane through thought. It's just a oneshot I quickly thought about. ;)**_

* * *

One mistake. One mistake is all it takes. All it takes to get THEIR attention. All it takes to LOSE your life. All it takes to KILL your friends. All it takes to FORGET reality. All it takes to BECOME crazy.

You make a sound, you begin to bleed, and you might as well be dead. It would be better, honestly, to kill yourself before THEY come. Before THEY come to bite you. HURT you. Make you SCREAM in agony. Make you BLEED to death. Make you RETURN to the living.

But when you come back to life, it's not the same. YOU'RE not the same. YOU'RE different. YOU'RE blood thirsty. YOU'RE not human. It's because you turn into one of THOSE things that want to KILL us.

* * *

Because you're not HUMAN or in the RIGHT MIND, it's easier. Easier to KILL you. To put you out of your MISERY. To make better memories of you rather than memories of you as a killer ZOMBIE. But it's still hard. Your face is the same. Maybe ROTTEN, maybe GREY, maybe DISFIGURED, but it's the same. I see the smirk I GREW up with, I see those EYES that had become insane long before this happened, I see the resentful FACE I'd become accustomed to.

But I wasn't even putting down a WALKER. I wasn't putting down a THING.

I was putting down YOU.

A HUMAN. Someone INSANE, someone who had begun to HATE me and everyone else.

Sometimes I wish you'd KILLED me TOO; taken me AWAY from this forsaken world. But I fought. I fought against your murderous ACTIONS. Because of my SON. My WIFE. My FRIENDS. My UNBORN CHILD. I had to LIVE for THEM. I couldn't DIE for YOU or for ME. There was so MUCH I had to TEACH my son, there was so much I had to SAY to my wife, so much I had to DO for the baby.

The BLOOD belonging to YOU will NEVER wash away, no matter how many times I CRY for YOU, no matter how many times I SUFFER for YOUR mistakes, no matter how many times I APOLOGISE to MYSELF for letting YOU down.

Your STUPID mistake led to the DESTRUCTION of our safe HAVEN. We lost so many because of YOU. But it was my FAULT too. I couldn't STOP you. I couldn't TALK to you, I couldn't CONVINCE you that everything would be OKAY if we just worked TOGETHER as BROTHERS. But maybe it was because I simply WOULDN'T DIE. If only I'd DIED in that hospital, maybe then you and EVERYONE else would still be safe and ALIVE.

Lori would STILL be ALIVE. Andrea wouldn't be MISSING. T-Dog would still be WITH us. Merle would be DEAD. Everyone who MATTERED would still be ALIVE and safe.

But you made a MISTAKE. You UNDERESTIMATED everyone in our GROUP. You became OVER CONFIDENT.

So I killed you. But you ATTRACTED those THINGS over here with your gun. It was one SPLIT SECOND that I didn't care of the noise we'd made, it was at that point I wanted to DIE with you. And when you CLOSED YOUR EYES, I couldn't understand WHY I WASN'T dying either.

Maybe it had been a DREAM. Maybe this was all just a NIGHTMARE. Maybe I was IMAGINING this all. Maybe I was the INSANE one.

But you DESERVED DEATH. You DRAGGED my SON in with ME and YOU. It was YOU. It was ME. It was all the JEALOUSY building up between us BOTH. But you included my LOVED ones. CARL had to shoot you. MY SON. My SON had to put a BULLET in your BRAIN when you ROSE for a second TIME.

But I'm still SORRY. You must think UP THERE that I don't GRIEVE for you, but every day I REGRET killing you, I regret HURTING you. But it's pointless NOW. I still BLAME you for all the death that plagued ME and MY group.

SOMETIMES I feel relieved you're GONE. I ruin things, and I expect you to SAY some smart ass comment. But sometimes I wish you were with me to HELP. Sometimes I EXPECT you to randomly sit down next to ME and reminisce through OLDER MEMORIES while we drink some old, lanky whiskey.

You're probably LAUGHING YOUR ASS off in heaven, or in hell, while you WATCH me suffer, while you watch me FUMBLE around awkwardly in this NEW and DISTURBING world. But everything I DO is for YOU.

So you SEE.

So you SEE that I am a suitable LEADER. That I CAN protect my people. But can I? I LET my wife DIE. I LET EVERYONE SUFFER and count their LOSSES.

Someone ONCE said 'a man who never makes a mistake leaves nothing in history', it was SOMETHING like that. This PERSON never lived in our world, then. BECAUSE in THIS world, there is NO room for a mistake. But I'm LEARNING. I'm learning to SURVIVE.

It's only at NIGHT, when everyone is HUDDLED in fear, that I FEEL I'm a better leader. I put a ROOF over their HEADS. I put FOOD in their stomachs. I kept them WARM at night. I'm sure this is SCREWED up to YOU. Why am I SAYING this to you? Of all PEOPLE?! Maybe because I used to LOOK up to you, I used to ADMIRE you, I used to LOVE you, I used to SEE you as a brother. I try to REMEMBER you as a WORTHY man, as an AMAZING person, but I can't help but feel disappointed in your LAST HOURS.

IT'S Hard to decide what I'm SAYING to YOU. I can't DECIDE whether I'm ADMITTING defeat or victory in your MEMORY. I guess I'm just saying…

GOOD BYE, Shane. I might see you later.


End file.
